I guess it's time that I come out and say a few things.
First, I've changed my blog title and siteID. I've thought deeply about this lately and have come to the realization that it isn't just "teenhood" and "motherhood" that I'm struggling with. I simply classified my desire for self-realization as a general quest for my lost adolescence. Driven is currently the name of my on-going novel. (Though, it seems to change on a regular basis. Just work with me.) So that pretty much explains the new-ness of my blogger. And all the blah boring stuff.
Now, onto the part of my blog that'll cause all sorts of gossip amongst people. You know, the stuff that I'll get judged on for being honest about: the good stuff.
Though this is still in the works, I'm abstaining from sexual activity. At first, this was just "sex" but I've learned first hand that doing other things normally lead to completing the deed. So, nothing. No genital to genital touching. No mouth to genital touching. No hand to genital touching. No naked skin to skin touching. This girl only goes to first base from now on. (Oh, this 100% includes self-love. If you know what I mean.)
So I made this decision as I'm reading "Eat, Pray, Love". And I must say, I find it extremely awkward that I can relate to a 30-year-old divorcee on so many different levels. I'm not doing this because I think sex is wrong, or evil, or ungodly. This isn't me being on my high horse thinking I'm better than everybody. Obviously I have fornicated and thrown that whole "save yourself until marriage" bologna out the window. I don't have a problem with people who have an active sex life.
I'm trying to form a better relationship with myself and with God. I know, I know. As I'm typing this, I am seriously considering hitting the delete key. It's not embarrassing, per say. It is just anytime you mention the word "God" people automatically associate the words "Bible" and "Religion" and "Beheading". I have always been a faith driven person, it just has never been something I'm open about. I feel that my relationship with God is personal and unlike anybody elses. I don't claim a religion. I don't go to church. And I'll be completely honest to say, I don't pray unless I'm trying to make a plea bargain.
But I feel now is the perfect time to deepen my faith. Not necessarily with the Christian God. Rather, with my own personal definition of the Holy one. I am going to work towards knowing who I am as an individual, a separate entity of my beautiful son. Towards knowing who I am as a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and eventually, a lover. (Yes, I just cringed at the fact that I'm 19 and used that word.)
And to better know myself, I have to do this substance free. I'm not saying that I'm a druggie or an alcoholic. (In fact, I've only smoked pot twice and have never been drunk.) I just don't want those things in my life at all. I don't need them to make me happy, even if it's just a sip of Mike's Hard Lemonade every-so-often. I just know, on a personal level, that being under the influence has never made me happy. I have seen it destroy my family, and I won't let history repeat itself. Again, I'd like to point out that I'm not judging somebody who lives their life differently. I am simply making personal decisions that I think will better my life, and thus bettering the lives of those around me.
I haven't quite figured out how long this whole process is going to be. I've thought about saying "for the rest of the year" or making it a flat year or even until I'm 21. Because I truthfully feel in my soul that it would do an immense amount of good for me. But I also don't think something like this has a time frame. It isn't a baseball game or a movie. There is no limit. I think I'll come to a point where it no longer is a "process" and becomes a way of life. I know eventually I will find the balance I need in my life, and I will be happy.